Lately I have been circling one question like it is an altar:

What is your definition of reality?

Not “what do you think about the universe” in a vague, high conversation way, but literally:

When you say “this is my reality,” what do you mean?

I sat with that for myself first, then I did something a little unhinged and very on brand for me. I went into my phone, pulled up my contact list, and tossed the question to almost 300 men.

No context. No explanation. Just:

“What is your definition of reality?”

Some left me on read. Some sent short, safe answers. A few sent responses that told me more about them than they probably intended.

Two stood out.

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Two answers that would not leave me alone

Out of all the replies, these two kept echoing in my head.

Man One: early forties

His answer took over two hours, and when it arrived, it was short:

“What is but also what could be. That’s an interesting question. I do not really have one.”

On the surface, it sounds poetic. Reality as “what is and what could be.” Pretty line. Soft lighting. Fade to black.

But look at the structure:

• He gestures at something abstract.
• He immediately backs away from taking a clear position.
• He hands the question back to me.

No real definition. No backbone. Just a sentence that feels nice in the mouth and avoids commitment.

Man Two: early thirties, Jamaican

His reply came within minutes. I will paraphrase his response:

Reality is what you can see, feel, or touch, plus your mindset that brings things into life. Your choices have consequences, so you cannot live in full delusion or daydreams. Reality is a life designed to reach for the greater good.

That is not academic language. It is something better: lived language.

He talks about:

• The tangible world
• The power of mindset
• Consequences
• Not hiding in fantasy
• A moral aim, the greater good

Age did not predict depth. Culture might have flavored it, sure, but what really mattered was posture. One man floated in ideas. The other man stood in impact.

Both answers are “true” to the men who gave them. One was air. One had weight.

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My working theory: the world, the mind, and the group chat

After reading dozens of answers, taking notes, and watching which ones stuck, here is the definition I keep returning to.

Reality is not just “out there,” some cold physical universe that ignores your feelings. It is not just “in your head” either, like your emotions are the only truth.

Reality is the ongoing dance between three forces:

1. The world that pushes back
   Fire burns, gravity pulls, bills are due, bodies get tired. There is a layer of life that does not care what you believe. Touch it, and it touches you back.
2. The mind that interprets
   You never experience the raw world directly. Your brain is constantly guessing, filtering, editing. It tells stories, fills gaps, rewrites memories. Your personal reality is your mind’s best attempt to make sense of what you are living through.
3. The groups that agree on meaning
   On top of this, we build shared realities.
   Money, laws, marriage, gender roles, religion, even “success” itself. None of those exist in nature. We agree on them, enforce them, worship them, suffer under them. They are “made up” and still absolutely real, because the consequences are real.

So if I had to put it in one line:

Reality is whatever keeps being true, no matter how you feel about it, and no matter what story you tell yourself.

You can decide money is fake, but rent is still due.
You can decide a relationship is fine, but your nervous system will keep flinching if it is not.
You can decide you are “over” something, but your body will quietly vote no in the middle of the night.

Reality is what keeps showing up.

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Why those two men mattered to this question

I am not writing this to dissect them as people. What fascinated me was how their answers lined up with this larger question of “what stays true.”

One man’s definition of reality was airy, incomplete, and conveniently noncommittal.
Another man’s definition was grounded in touch, consequence, and a sense of responsibility.

The timing fit the energy.

• One needed time and still ended up nowhere specific.
• The other responded immediately with something you could actually live by.

That is reality too. Not just what they said, but how they answered, how quickly, with how much clarity. Reality is not only in the content of a message. It is in the pattern of responses.

Who leans in when you ask a real question.
Who retreats.
Who thinks in aesthetics.
Who thinks in consequences.

Those are all definitions of reality in disguise.

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Turning the question toward you

Here is where you come in.

I do not want this to be a one way lecture. I want to hear how your mind grips the world.

So I am offering you the same prompt I gave my contacts:

What is your definition of reality?

Not the clever version. Not the version you think belongs in a philosophy book.

The version that actually governs how you move through your days.

Is reality, to you:

• Mostly physical, mostly spiritual, or both
• Fixed, or constantly shifting
• Something you survive inside, or something you shape
• A test, a playground, a classroom, a battlefield, a dream

Try this as a personal exercise:

1. Write your definition in one sentence.
2. Then, under it, write: “If I truly believe this, what does that say about the way I live?”

Because that is where it gets interesting.

If your reality is “what is and what could be,” are you actually honoring the “could be,” or just hiding in it.

If your reality is “what you can touch plus consequences and the greater good,” are your daily choices aligned with that, or are you living somewhere you do not actually respect.

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An invitation

I have my theory, and it will keep evolving. Right now, it sounds like this:

Reality is the collision between the world’s limits, my mind’s stories, and the agreements I choose to live under, and it always reveals itself in what keeps happening, not in what I wish were true.

I am more interested in your version.

So, to my readers, all eight thousand of you scattered across your own lives and timelines:

What is your definition of reality?

Drop it in the comments. Journal it. Whisper it to yourself while you stand at the sink. Rewrite it later when life proves you wrong.

Because beneath all the spiritual language, all the self help, all the aesthetics, this is the quiet core:

Whatever you decide reality is, you will build a life around that decision.

So choose carefully. And tell the truth.